March for Life thoughts

So hey, the March for Life is tomorrow and according to my newsfeed we are encouraged to use our voice, so I thought I would share mine here.

I don’t think it would surprise a single friend of mine on facebook that I am what people call Pro-Life. Yes, I would like pregnant women to choose life and I honestly wish adoption were more of an option discussed than abortion.

When we adopted Phoebe, our phone went crazy with calls, emails and facebook messages from men and women I didn’t even know; but had heard our story and after years of unsuccessful attempts of adopting they were reaching out to a stranger. They each wanted me to take down their name and number and they would tell me their specific story and how badly they wanted a child, but there just aren’t many available. In the United States, it is estimated that there are approximately 1-2 million people trying to adopt and 1.3 million babies are aborted each year. Only 4% of unplanned pregnancies are given up for adoption. The problem I had was, I didn’t have this pocket or this place to find women like Phoebe’s birth mom. It broke my heart.

Personally, I find women that choose giving a child up for adoption after carrying it to term heroic. I can’t imagine what that must be like for them. Viewing someone’s life that you have never met, as more important than your own for a little while and then parting with it because you know it’s better for the child, is astonishing and in my opinion should be praised.

I see no advantage in shaming any woman for an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy, at that point it does no good. I also find no good in anyone shaming another woman that has chosen the route of abortion, my guess is she was already scared to do it anyway.

I would also like to take the opportunity to use my voice to straighten out a little cliche line that I often see people use. The foster care system is not full of UNWANTED children. The foster care system is full of WANTED children and that is why they are there. Foster parents wait YEARS to adopt children because the birth parents are fighting for them. They want them and are given EVERY OPPORTUNITY imaginable to gain their kids back. If you need specifics I can get them for you but that is a different topic altogether though and I feel better just getting that off my chest. 🙂

I am hoping this year to continue my research and dialogue with many people from both sides of the issue, that frankly, know a lot more than I do about these things. But at some point, I’m hoping, if even 10% of women that choose abortion, chose adoption instead it would change the world for good in so many ways and be such a celebration of life.

Here is a blog I wrote when Phoebe was 5 months old, you can see a glimpse of a message I wrote to her birth mom. I hope using my “voice” helps give you a peek at my heart and the heart of many of my pro-life friends. Read whatever news you want, but know there are people out there willing to care for the child for their whole life. Our family is better for having Phoebe. She has rocked our world and if you ever meet her, she just might rock yours as well. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen in my life. She is comedic, she is caring, she is funny, she is independent, she is even ambidextrous, she has the most beautiful curly hair, and she is a person that may change a corner of her world by just existing. She has certainly changed mine. Be good to one another facebook friends, we only have 1 shot.

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

https://oldmommadenew.wordpress.com/…/09/25/dear-birth-mot…/

 

This was originally posted as a status on facebook

Most of the Details

Eight months have gone by in a flash and I don’t even know how to begin, so I will just give a brief history and then share most of the details with you about our adoption of Phoebe Jane.

It started with a phone call from someone we knew well on April 25th.  Brian and I had been asked to attend Les Miserables with some friends;  they had second row, center seats at the Paramount so that’s where we were when we got the call. We did find it a bit odd that the same person had called both our phones, she didn’t leave a message on mine, but left a “hey, give me a call when you get a chance tomorrow…” kind of message on Brian’s.

See, we have talked about adoption for 20+ years.  When I was young the Doctors let me know I might have difficulty getting pregnant so before we were even married the topic of adoption had already been discussed.  After our wedding we decided to start trying immediately just in case it did take a long time or find it was impossible. After about a year and a half we had already turned our discussion to adoption.  We had been approved through Catholic Charities to be foster parents and had high hopes it would be a placement which would eventually lead to adoption. The last step in our process was to get fingerprinted, and the day we were going to get it done  I found out I was pregnant. That’s how they say it happens, right?!

Needless to say, adoption and foster care took a back seat to our exciting news and a couple years after Lucy was born, we were pregnant again with Sophie. We then waited a few more years and decided; maybe just one more and that’s when our son Henry was born sleeping. But that’s another blog for another day.  After an additional baby was lost at 20 weeks, its twin, Gus was born alive and kicking! I should let you know now, none of these were easy peasy births, all successful, but we certainly needed the excellent doctors and nurses God brought into our lives each time a baby was born.

After Henry was born, we had once again visited adoption. We met with friends who had adopted internationally, we talked with agencies, we gathered information, read books and we prayed. Then we had Gus, we assumed we were done.  We had been through so much with Henry and Gus’ twin (the one Gus doesn’t currently know about) – we were just happy to have our lively little boy and we were content… but in the back of our minds I think we both had that nagging sensation that adoption was still a part of our story.  We did the only thing we knew to do and started up again on our research.  Brian had gone on a missions trip to Ethiopia so that seemed like a great place to start, but things were changing with guidelines and governments so we shifted to Haiti because that was going to be opening again! We started with an agency again and were so excited, but then something happened and we both got very busy with work and it just didn’t seem like it was the right time so we stopped.  We really hadn’t given them much money, so that was good!

It was two Wednesday’s before the opening of our latest show I was producing, a new musical for our company and a beast to boot! Set pieces needed to be finished and delivered, costumes needed to be finished and flight equipment needed to be installed and actors and volunteers taught how to use it; I was overwhelmed. That day, Brian got a phone call from a friend who has an incredible sports ministry that helps fund adoptions. He asked Brian if we were still interested in adopting Internationally and if we were they would like to help us prayerfully and financially. We talked about it and decided we just weren’t in the position to commit to fundraising, classes and paperwork. We thought it was best if this ministry bless someone else, Brian would put it on his to-do list to get back to him and let him know.

The following Wednesday, things hadn’t slowed down any but I asked Brian if he would be interested in re-visiting foster care, I was beginning to think if we did, God would just place the child(ren) we were meant to have in our home and we could leave it at that. Brian agreed and we decided that would be our next move after Tarzan was finished. But then we got the call on Saturday, while at Les Mis that changed the course of our plans. Brian returned the call like he was asked on Sunday afternoon and he heard, “Someone we know had a baby and she is unable to keep her, she doesn’t want her to go into foster care and I told her I thought I knew someone who would like to adopt her; would you?” Brian responded, “Sure!” On the other end of the phone was a giggle and a question, “Should you ask Missy first?” Of course I agreed immediately and we were given the number of a social worker and we contacted a friend of ours who happens to be an attorney.

I left a message for the social worker (let’s be honest, I may have left more than one…) but it was Sunday so we got no word.  Our friend did tell us he no longer did adoptions but had a partner who did, so he gave us his information and Brian contacted him. On Monday morning, the social worker returned my call without matching the same level of enthusiasm I had.  She was curious as to who we were, was one of us related to the birth mom and all sorts of other questions.  She told us that this isn’t how the system works and that most likely we wouldn’t be able to adopt this baby but we could come to her office if we wanted; we did. I think we were at her office by 10am., she asked us what we knew, we shared the few details we had and she told us the baby was going to be placed in foster care that day. She told us there wasn’t much of a chance for us and this baby but we could go through the process of becoming licensed and after 4 months we could see where this baby was, but not to get our hopes up.

We left her office sad, but not defeated! The mom had conveyed she wanted us to adopt her baby so we contacted our attorney, he was very knowledgeable about adoptions, but said he knew someone even better that had worked with DCFS on many cases and recommended we seek his council, so we did. Within minutes of our call he left a message for the social worker and boy did things start moving! The social worker called and asked us if the birth mom knew she had a court date on Wednesday? How would we know?? But we were able to get word to her that she did and we were told we could attend that court date but it was unlikely anything would happen. I had a staff meeting at my office that morning and shared with my sweet co-workers what was going on and they prayed quickly for me before I rushed off. Brian and I were very punctual in our arrival of the 1:30pm. court time. When we arrived the State’s Attorney was there, the social worker, DCFS’ attorney and the birth grandmother were all there, the only one missing was the birth mom.

The good news was, she had called to say she was running late, so the Judge held his courtroom for 20 more minutes. 20 minutes turned into 30, then 45 and then an hour. We were told it was unlikely mom would show up, that things like this happen all the time.  But for some reason, the judge, the State’s Attorney, the social worker and DCFS’ attorney all stayed and the judge agreed to hold his court and wait for her.  They let us know that at 4:30pm. if she didn’t show up, it would be a no go for us. The birth grandmother decided she would take matters into her own hands since the birth mom had a C-section and was unable to drive.  She left maybe around 3pm., of course traffic was bad and the location she needed to drive to was not close to the courthouse, so we decided nail biting, chit chat and silent prayers were our best bet at that point.  At 4:27pm. she was at the courthouse – yep, 3 minutes prior to our “deadline”.  The judge called us all into his courtroom and asked us all a few questions and then let the birthmother know, she was late.  Very late, too late to complete anything regarding an adoption and she would need to come back on Friday.

One can probably imagine our disappointment, we were all there! Everyone that needed to be there, was there… and we had to wait. My mind was racing, we all went into another room outside of the courtroom.  Birth mom was insistent that the baby not be in foster care, DCFS’ attorney told her there was a paper she could sign and the baby could be removed from their care and placed in ours. Mom was very reluctant to sign it because it had DCFS at the top of the page, but she looked up at me and asked “Do you want me to sign it?” I replied, “I think it’s the only way we can have the baby” she signed all the paperwork immediately and then left with her mother.

I quickly inquired with the attorney as to what exactly she had just signed! She let me know that the paperwork she signed placed the baby in our care as guardians for one year. I, of course, was panicked! One year?! What happens after that?! She tried to calm me, but told me it was the best case scenario for the baby, so I tried to relax. That evening, the baby was removed from the Foster family, who had high hopes themselves they would be adopting this sweet baby girl, and brought to our home around 8:30pm. When the social worker arrived I couldn’t believe how tiny she was! I had only seen a blurry picture taken with a poor quality cellphone and that was it until now. She was perfect. Tons of dark hair, big cheeks and just perfect at 7 lbs. and 19 inches long. That was it, one look and we were absolutely in love! This is precisely when our friend with the sports ministry called to ask about our decision and Brian excitedly explained the events the last few days had brought and yes, we were planning to pursue adoption but God had just dropped off the perfect one.

I took to Facebook to give a quick prayer request and God heard our prayers. Friday came and as I arrived at the courthouse and put my purse on the belt for the security scan, the guard leaned over and touched my arm and said “She’s here!” I couldn’t believe he knew who I was! How did he know? He quickly pointed across the large foyer and there she stood with her mom and my husband creating small talk.  I joined them and we were all told to come back to the same room we had sat for many hours just two days before. Birth mom and grandma went into a room with their attorney and we sat nervously making chit chat with anyone that would indulge. She met with him for about 40 minutes and then asked to see the judge by herself.  She came out and we were asked to come into his chambers, he was a very kind man and we had sensed that the last time we were in his courtroom.  He first asked how the baby was doing and then said, “Congratulations, mom has surrendered all of her rights to the baby and she has specifically named you, the adoptive parents.” That sweeping joy rushed through every vein in my body! The sense of relief, joy, and every emotion you can imagine washed over me.  This wasn’t a dream, this was really happening.

When we left the judge’s chambers we went back to the room to wait and birth mom was still there. We talked again, she asked how the kids liked the baby and I was happy to report they were in love. She talked about having horrible heartburn during pregnancy and attributed it to the full head of dark hair she came out with. She talked about her time in the hospital and the allergic reaction she had to some of the medications and just small talk. It was nice, she was very brave as just a few tears ran down her cheek. I told her the baby had a hearing appointment coming up, (she had failed her hearing test in the hospital, but would later pass with flying colors)  I had an appointment that afternoon because she seemed to be jaundice and she was born with a heart murmur that I would be taking her to a specialist to have checked out.  It was as though she also had a large sigh of relief.  A baby comes with more than just emotion, it comes with lots of care and I would like to think at that moment the relief I saw in her face was because she knew, we would give her the care and attention she needed.

In that conversation she also shared with us that she had prayed and asked the Lord to tell her who to call about adopting the baby. She said she continued to have the same name run through her mind over and over again.  She asked her mom to call them, but for her own reasons was reluctant. After many requests the birth grandmother finally made the call and inquired if they knew anyone that might be willing. They immediately thought of us and said “Yes!” When the she heard we were willing, she knew 100% God had his hand in this. We later heard for the first time since the birth, she seemed at peace.

After that, it was just paperwork and waiting. We contacted our adoption agency, we had started with the year prior and had them complete our home study. We filed all the necessary paperwork and our attorney worked diligently on all the rest. It’s not the easiest or most peaceful process, but we surrendered it to the Lord and He was faithful. In record time the adoption was complete and Phoebe Jane was legally ours in every way. Friends and family came to the courthouse that day and filled the room, it was one of the best days of our family’s life.

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We are abundantly grateful for the opportunity and so thankful that our Heavenly Father has entrusted this special life in our hands. We are also thankful this woman chose to give life and breath to this baby. We will continue to give thanks for her and hope in her future, she not only reflects on surrendering her rights as birth mother, but she would reflect on the fact that God answered her prayer when she called out to him. And as she comes to that realization, she would surrender the rest of her life in the capable hands of our Lord and Savior, so she might tell her story and change and inspire the lives of those around her, so they too might know the healing power of Jesus.

Ephesians 1:3-8 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. 4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. 5 God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. 6 So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son.[b] 7 He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. 8 He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.

Phoebe – Bright and Pure
Jane – God’s Gracious Gift (Jane = Brian’s moms name, the Foster mother’s name and yes – Jane is a leading character in Tarzan – our  production at the time; the theme of which is about adoption)

The Connecting Piece In a Greater Story

So in my typical, impulsive fashion I decided to cut my hair off. I have a favorite stylist, Sarah, but because she is my favorite stylist, she is apparently everyone else’s favorite too.  I can never get in to see her when the urge or impulse hits me to do something bizarre, like cut off a foot of hair. However, I sent Sarah a text message one night and said “What is your next availability for a cut?” Knowing all too well she would reply with something along the lines of “Dec. 11th” (currently it’s October). But because she is my absolute favorite and a treasured friend and a wonderful human being I asked in my impulsive fashion anyway. Her response came and she said “How about tomorrow at noon?” Clearly the stars had aligned in my favor ’cause I had nothing on the calendar preventing this divine appointment and now I was set to have something fabulous done to my hair! It was almost like Christmas Eve, okay maybe not that exciting but close.

I arrived at the salon with baby in tow and Sarah was running a bit behind, which really was no biggie to me, I had nowhere to be so I just waited. When she was ready for me, we excitedly started talking about the kids and giving each other updates and that’s when she said there was a new client in the back and I needed to meet her.  See, this new client had a bad color job done by someone else and her friend had referred her to MY favorite stylist to fix it and just by chance Sarah had a cancellation and was able to fit her in.  The same day she had an opening for me. Coincidence? I think not. Well, the next thing I know this new client and I are sitting next to each other and exchanging adoption stories – shocking I know.

She told me about her two beautiful children, she had adopted.  She had been their foster mom since they were born and had fought to keep them for four and a half years.  She was a foster mom, but these kids needed her to be their mom forever and she is… she is now their forever mom. Four and a half years of loving and caring for two drug addicted babies and not knowing if they will be taken from you is probably enough just to make most people shutter – it just sounds like self-inflicted torture to be honest and I have a feeling at times, my new friend might have felt that way.  She then went on to tell me that she had just recently received a two month old baby boy who was born addicted to Heroin. She made it clear that she had no more fight left in her – she was content with the two beautiful children she had.  The case worker for this new baby boy, convinced her that this baby would go straight to adoption – easy peasy – so she opened her heart and her home to this sweet baby boy who needs so much care for his tiny body to adjust to life without street drugs.

Can you guess where I might be going with this story? The adoption hasn’t turned out to be so easy peasy after all. See the man that is currently married to the heroin addicted birth mother is incarcerated for a long list of things including physically harming people. He served a 9 year sentence already and I believe is waiting to see what his next sentence might be. But guess what? Even though he might not even be the one that “fathered” the child… he is technically the baby’s father because he is married to the drug addicted mother and he has decided, he wants the baby. Yep. In prison, he wants the baby. I hope you are somewhat like me and thinking… how does that work? And what is he thinking?

I was at the Doctor today and because I was there for my annual appointment, the nurse I see every year was slightly confused as to how she missed my entire pregnancy. So I began the adoption story and discussion. We actually discussed several avenues and aspects of adoption and for whatever reason I told her my new friend’s story.  I have a feeling she might have been speaking from experience when she said “He wants that baby because he is selfish. He is bored and has nothing else to fight about in his jail cell. He needs something to distract him and this is it. It has nothing to do with that child other than it is a distraction and the thought that lingers in the back of his mind saying; what if one day that kid turns out to be something, I need to be able to claim him.” I’m pretty certain with the way she spoke, this was not the first time she had thought about a situation like this. She appeared as though she had some working of knowledge of circumstances like these.

Soon my nurse left and my doctor came in and she was so happy to hear about our adoption and how smooth the process went and somehow we also got side-tracked with a conversation that landed on birth moms.  She offered her opinion that it was the most self-less thing a woman could do. She looked very reflective in thought, I could tell that she too had thought about adoption and unwanted pregnancies many times over the years. She said she had been in obstetrics for over 30 years and that over time she has noticed more people used to carry their babies to term and give them up for adoption than they currently do. She said “Today, they just pretend it didn’t happen.” She went on to say, occasionally she will have a young 19-20 year old girl that gets pregnant and wants to continue with school and she will carry and give the baby up but it’s rare anymore. She seemed to almost share my conviction that as a societal whole we are not to condemn lifestyle choices such as the Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner’s of the world, yet we have set some pregnant women up with so much shame and condemnation that they would rather try to pretend it just didn’t happen and choose to abruptly end a viable pregnancy.  It appeared, by her reflective tone, that she is often the only confidant some of these women ever have once they make the choice to “pretend it didn’t happen.”

In our somewhat brief meeting, my new friend at the salon had shared a specific phrase that tends to “ruffle her feathers” so to speak. I heard this phrase at one point during my visit to the clinic, “Well, she just needs to stop. She’s needs to stop getting pregnant.” See, it ruffles my new friends feathers because, if the mom of her two kids, (and hopefully a 3rd very soon) had just stopped; she wouldn’t have the beautiful children she is madly in love with! Adoption is often the only way some families are made.  I was actually caught off guard when someone at the clinic said it to me.  It actually felt like an attack on me! For probably 2 seconds I felt like saying “Wait a minute, if the birth mother of my child would’ve stopped, we wouldn’t be having this beautiful moment where you are so enthralled with my happy and beautiful baby!” Now let’s be clear,  I am not advocating for drug addicted women to continue to reproduce while they are using drugs. However, in the case of my new friend, this cocaine/heroin addicted woman is the reason she is able to even hold the title of “Mom”. So, let’s be careful what we say to adoptive moms.

I am also not condemning anyone that might be reading this post that has had an abortion… why would I? It is currently legal, it’s an option and it’s done and over with.  I am talking about a choice that is certainly also legal, has been tried and true and seems to be highly under-used. I know of it’s under-use because I have received several calls from heartbroken couples, hoping I somehow have the magic key to unlock the pain of looking into empty spare bedrooms and the longings to fill big spaces in their hearts.  My point in writing this is because I’m learning so much right now.  My eyes have been opened in ways they never have been before. I want to leave these words and thoughts for my children and let them walk along with me as we go on this new path. In the Bible, we are told to take care of the widows and the orphans. James 1:27 NIV says: Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Looking over several Bible commentaries on this verse, it looks like this verse literally means to take care of the orphans and the widows. 🙂 The passage conveys more meaning than that in its entirety, but the Matthew Henry commentary describes a portion of the meaning behind the verse this way, “Compassion and charity to the poor and distressed from a very great and necessary part of true religion: Visiting the fatherless and widow in their affliction. Visiting is here put for all manner of relief which we are capable of giving to others; and fatherless and widows are here particularly mentioned, because they are generally most apt to be neglected or oppressed: but by them we are to understand all who are proper objects of charity, all who are in affliction. It is very remarkable that if the sum of religion be drawn up to two articles this is one—to be charitable and relieve the afflicted.” (emphasis added is mine)

We are attending a fundraiser next week to help bring about awareness and raise money to help people adopt babies and children. This fundraiser helps to live out this very verse. Not everyone is in a situation to open their homes to longing children and helpless babies, but together we can all be aware that families, so many families are willing and able to provide homes and care for these babies when they are available.  There just seems to be a shortage of ones that are truly available. Ones that the mother is willing to say, “Just because it’s not my time to provide for this child doesn’t mean someone else can’t or won’t.”  In my opinion, and it’s just that… my opinion, my new friend who is caring for the heroin addicted mother and incarcerated father’s child; are not at a point right now to be parents to this tiny baby boy who desperately needs so much. A selfless deed would go very far in all of their lives right now. A simple signature would be all it would take to do what is best for that precious child.

My favorite stylist wasn’t available by chance the other day just so I could receive my cute new hairdo. My stylist was the connecting piece in a greater story about two women that have a hearts desire to care for orphans; regardless of how or by whom they came into this world. There are families and young couples – hoping right now that another women, who has just received the undesired news of her pregnancy will choose, even though the timing is off… to carry to term and simply sign a paper. Breathing life into a new child, a new family, a home, a bedroom, safe arms and loving hearts. And also allowing themselves to take a big breath and sigh of relief knowing, even though the pain is very real, they have just become a part of a small population, many might label, the most selfless of all.

Dear Birth Mother,

As you can imagine, I’ve spent many of my days over the last 5 months thanking God for our little girl, but I wouldn’t have this little bundle of goodness if it weren’t for the mother that cared for her first. I’m not going to give you the details of her birth mother’s story, those will be held private for Phoebe. She may share or not share, whenever she feels appropriate, it’s her story.

But let’s just talk about birth mothers in general. Heroic? I might say yes. To love someone so much that you provide safety and shelter and then do the most selfless thing imaginable… give it away. You slept uncomfortably, you vomited, you stretched, you grew, you burped and belched and struggled with scars and C-sections and whatever else came with the safety and shelter you provided and yet when it was all over you didn’t even keep the reward for your scars. You gave it away. When I think of birth mothers, I can’t help but think of a story that fascinated me as a child – it was my favorite one, the story in the Bible where Solomon is the King (the wisest of all time if you aren’t aware) and two women come into his court.

1 Kings 3:16-27New Living Translation (NLT) Solomon Judges Wisely

16 Some time later two prostitutes came to the king to have an argument settled.

17 “Please, my lord,” one of them began, “this woman and I live in the same house. I gave birth to a baby while she was with me in the house.

18 Three days later this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there were only two of us in the house.

19 “But her baby died during the night when she rolled over on it.

20 Then she got up in the night and took my son from beside me while I was asleep. She laid her dead child in my arms and took mine to sleep beside her.

21 And in the morning when I tried to nurse my son, he was dead! But when I looked more closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t my son at all.”

22 Then the other woman interrupted, “It certainly was your son, and the living child is mine.” “No,” the first woman said, “the living child is mine, and the dead one is yours.” And so they argued back and forth before the king.

23 Then the king said, “Let’s get the facts straight. Both of you claim the living child is yours, and each says that the dead one belongs to the other.

24 All right, bring me a sword.” So a sword was brought to the king.

25 Then he said, “Cut the living child in two, and give half to one woman and half to the other!”

26 Then the woman who was the real mother of the living child, and who loved him very much, cried out, “Oh no, my lord! Give her the child—please do not kill him!” But the other woman said, “All right, he will be neither yours nor mine; divide him between us!”

27 Then the king said, “Do not kill the child, but give him to the woman who wants him to live, for she is his mother!”

The real mother was willing to do the most difficult thing, give her child away and hope safety was provided for it. She was going to turn it over to a liar and a thief – all to save her precious child’s life. She assumed it was better off in those conditions than dead. Isn’t that interesting? I’m not going to get into the debates of today… but you can clearly see where I could go with this. Just because someone can’t give a child the life you think it deserves, it still deserves life.

In a world where we promote not judging others, where we cram things in other people’s faces – all in the name of being different and unique, do people who find themselves pregnant still face “judgement” of others? What if we started there? Human conception has been around, since the beginning. Literally THE BEGINNING. All the way back, you have women, unwed women, women subject to multiple husbands or affairs etc… pregnant. Why on earth do we, in 2015, pass judgement on someone for being pregnant even if their circumstances aren’t ideal? Why did we forget to fight for them and the life they carry inside? When did it all go wrong and we made them feel so insecure or ashamed that we planted the idea in their heads that somehow discarding of this precious life was a better idea?  Are you and I actually part of the problem?

Well I would like all of you reading this, if you know someone that is with child to help them. Connect them with a support group; they are out there. Buy a package of diapers, wipes or babysit the baby while they go to the grocery store alone for a few minutes. I would also like to encourage anyone carrying a baby, there are women out there that can’t… CANNOT have what you have and they want it so desperately.  Women and men, sit in their beds at night praying for a child. They search the internet looking for a baby to love, to raise, cherish, photograph, feed, clothe and bathe. They have a home with all of the “securities” but can’t physically gain what you have and don’t know what to do with.  I would like to see more stories about that.  No judgement, it’s honestly too late at that point, right?  Pregnant when you don’t want to be? Go ahead and provide safety and shelter for the life you have been given and then if you still think it’s not right for you, selflessly give it away. Adoption is really a gift to everyone.

Birth mom, most likely in todays society, you can stay in touch if you want and have that child’s utmost respect. Adoptive mom, you get the most amazing gift – the life you have longed for and dreamed about. And precious baby, you are surrounded by those who love you and are your biggest cheerleaders.  Some have hoped and prayed for you before you existed.  Birth mom, you chose someone else’s life to be more important than yourself. You put their needs in front of yours, cause that’s what moms do.  You did it and they will respect you and appreciate you and even have love for you.

I don’t know personally what our future holds for our daughter’s birth mom and our interactions with her, but I can share a portion of the letter I wrote to her just a few weeks ago, about 2 weeks before our adoption was finalized in court.

Dear ___________,

The story of this baby has just begun and that story begins with you and your love for this life. I am so thankful for the love you had for her and I know it’s a love, you will carry with you all the days of your life. I promise I will be the best mom I can possibly be to this gift and I hope that you are proud of the child and the adult she becomes. She fits perfectly into our home in her pink bedroom – full of gifts and treasures – from the people that see God’s goodness in her. And she fits perfectly into our hearts, we can’t imagine life without her. I am honored and humbled to raise her and I thank you for the opportunity. I pray you are blessed in the days to come and that Jesus becomes your friend if He isn’t already. I pray you recognize no matter what comes into our lives – God will redeem it for good into His plan.

Thank You Birth Mom,

You have my respect and adoration –

Missy